Fat chicks, people getting shot, and $14.99

What can i say to start this off, but godamn i wish i had posted these stories sooner.
I forget that i have this blog here so i can record wtf i been thinkin in life and the weird shit that happens to me, so i will jot down for you cats select stories i have to share...

Back in june, right after we got out of school... me and three of my newly aquired school chums took a trip out to SIX FLAGS GREAT AMERICA. For those of you who that dont KNOW, its a massive theme park, with epic rides that tear your face off and fuck yer internal organs like only deniro in raging bull could (i just saw that btw, fuckin brilliant). So it was fun. I hadnt been there since 2000, maybe 2k1, it was nice to experience the whole park again but as i pseudo adult. I partook in two helpings of FUNNEL CAKE (if you dont know what THAT is, then i'm sorry.. that is something that you must experience orally before you understand its sheer brilliance). The thing that really stuck out for me that day was one lil event that was not only funny, but sad and, as i can only imagine, TRAGICALLY embarrassing.
We were standing in line waiting to get on the RAGING BULL ride (no its not a ride where you get knocked around by a deniro look alike), and as we looked on to the coaster as it came in, the next slew of kids rushed to get into their seats, and pulled down the safety things that come down... the ones that keep you from plummeting to the green grass below. Now when you get into one of these things, the devices only go so far down, so if yer too short... you cant get on this beast right? But what if yer TOO BIG? Well, i saw the answer to that on that cool summer day.
This poor overweight black mom with several kids gets in and tries to pull down the device, only to find that it doesnt LOCK. The workers there come over and try to push it down for her, but to no avail. What can you do in that situation? I'll tell you what you can do, yell at the worker to try harder! So thats what she did, and the worker insisted that it wasnt going to work, and that she needed to get out and exit the ride. She gives in eventually and gets up, taking her lil troop of hellions along with her. How upsetting. But what can you do? Poor lady probably doesnt have much time to herself, with all the kids she has to take after, and God knows its much easier to just go out and buy mcdonalds for everyone rather than slave in front of a hot ass stove right? Okay, so that settles that... she's had several kids, getting fat is very easy. But what about a teenager?
Right before our turn, a trio of girls hop onto the ride and one of them, taller than me (i'm 6'1") gets in and tries to pull down the device. No luck. This girl is FAR too big. What can you say to that? I can say one thing, "wtf are you doing?" Its not like these kids have JOBS. In fact their JOBS are to go outside and PLAY. That girl should not be that fat, and sure sure, theres some kids that cant help it, but damn... i almost felt bad for her. Yes she got kicked off the ride... and whats worse is, her freinds stayed IN the ride, and she walked off by herself. Thats fuckin cooooollldd BLOODED.

I think when you reach that point, where you cant get on a ride cause yer too fat... its time to fucking start working out. Thats horrible.

Moving on then...
I think two weeks ago, i was sitting at my desk working on "Amo Jamon", and it was damn hot so i decided to get myself a slurpee in the midst of me losing my mind. I hop in my lil golden cobalt and book it to the local 7/11 to get my cherry fix. As i get closer i realize that theres shit tons of cops crowded a few feet from the store. I creep in closer and realize that the street is blocked off. I'm TWENTY FEET FUCKING FEET from the damn store, i cant get through... so what do i do? park my damn car, get out and book it on foot.
As i'm walking past all these cops, one of them stops me, points to a car and asks if its mine. I then point to MY car, several feet away, and respond with "nooo way, i just parked over there amigo". I continue walking, and dont pay much attention to whats going on, i just want my godamn slurpee, and the humidity isnt helping. As i round the corner of the store i'm confronting by a few people standing around talking. This isnt something NORMAL around my neighborhood...unless its a bunch of kids... but these people were adults. I examine the situation and notice a cop asking some lady questions, i blow past them and go inside the store.
After i get my cherry delight, i blast over to the register so i can get my ass back to work, and a father and son combo pull up behind me in line. The son busts out a question...

"Dad, what happened to that man? Why did they put him in a ambulance?"
"He got shot!"
"Is he gonna live?"
"i dont know buddy..."
"i dont think he's gonna live..."
"well i guess we wont know that till we read the paper buddy"
"i think he's gonna die..."

What the fuck? What the fuck did this kid just go on about? Well obviously some dude got shot? I pay the lady at the counter and ask her in spanish wtf is going on. All the meanwhile theres a cop blazing back and forth behind me, asking the store manager for surveillance tapes. The lady tells me she was minding her own business and some cop knocked on the door of the store, as if he couldn't open the damn thing. I proceed to say, wow thats fucked up.. and i leave.
As i step outside, i see the same poeple still chatting it up. And as i round the corner i see a cop lady interrogating some lil kid. He gives out some sort of description and i chuckle... what are the chances this kid knows the dude who fired the shot, and now he's giving out some fake ass info. I'm a cynical cunt arent I? I keep walking, and mind you its dark as all nuts that night, theres no real light posts around the area where the shit went down, so theres 8 or 9 cops walking around in the grass behind the 7/11 with their cute lil flashlights, lookin for a shell casing or some other evidence i imagine. I blow past them just minding my own business, and nobody says shit. The damn place should have been ropped off, which some of it was, but wow... I was so damn surprised none of them douches stopped me and asked me more questions. Thats a lil fucked up dont you think? I dont know about you, but if i saw some shit head with a slurpee in his hand walking past my crime scene i would pull his ass to the side and tell him to piss off.
Turns out the shooting had happened just minutes before i got there, fucked up huh? I always imagine driving and getting a bullet somewhere on my body that was meant for some other twat. Coulda happened that night i reckon.

My last lil story happened today.
Everyday i'm at work i hear some retarded, astounding, amazing and frustrating shit. Today was no different. And it was such a short event, but it fucked me up so much. I'm starring off into the abyss that is best buy, and right in front of my lil post (i'm the greeter security cat), this young girl, couldn't have been more than 12, runs to a rack of dvds, picks one up and yells to her mom (who is several registers away)

"MOM LOOK, ITS ONLY $14.99!"

I wanted to reach out, dhalsim style and knock her on her ass. FOURTEEN BUCKS IS A LOT OF MONEY MAN. Her mom obviously looked up and said "PUT THAT DOWN, GET OVER HERE! NO.", but seriously... fiften dollars is a lot of damn money. You can feed 3 adults on that amount at some shit faced fast food joint... and she wants to buy a movie? I dont know about you, but 15 dollars for a movie is NOT worth it. I wait for them epic sales where shit is 4.99 or even 8.99. Godamn kids.

I would post some art, but i dont really want to right now.
cuase you know, if i do... then maybe you wont buy the book or something?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are so fucking interesting.